And finally......

 

Observations for anyone travelling over Christmas and New Year… How does the chap who drives the snowplough get to work? Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes? A camel is a horse designed by a committee. Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker. Wise men? I was telling my three boys the story of the Nativity and how the Wise Men brought gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh for the infant Jesus. Clearly giving it a lot of thought, my six-year-old observed, "Mum, a Wise Woman would have brought nappies." Namely... The vicar had a standard liturgy for funerals. To personalize each service, he used the Find and Replace command on his computer to replace the name of the deceased from the previous funeral with the new name. One morning at a funeral, all was going smoothly until the congregation reached the Apostle's Creed. "Jesus Christ," the congregation intoned, reading from the programme, "born of the Virgin Edna..." What to look for in a Christmas tree Every December it was the same excruciating tradition. Our family would get up at the crack of dawn, go to a Christmas tree farm and tramp across acres of snow in search of the perfect tree. Hours later our feet would be freezing, but my mother would press on, convinced the tree of her dreams was "just up ahead." One year my sister finally snapped. "Mum, face it. The perfect tree doesn't exist. It's like looking for a man. Just be satisfied if you can find one that isn't half dead, isn’t too peculiar looking, and can stand without you needing to prop it up.”